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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Sharon I have some bad news
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS