Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
You Might Also Like
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
spicy snake
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Is fructose made with real fruct?