Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Note to self: always read the final line
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
meow
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.