that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
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I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods