How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
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My life coach traded me.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My favorite farside!!
I am, perchance
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
“I FIXED IT!”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.