do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.