4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
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Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕