me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
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“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Worth the read.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!