Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
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I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.