if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…