Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”