Wait for it
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Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Called it
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.