I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
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my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.