Chicken bread
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Monica just destroyed the internet
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.