If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
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Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.