Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.