Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Me irl
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?