My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
You Might Also Like
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Seems kinda suspicious
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’