One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.