Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
mom had nothing to worry about