wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
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[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
*pokes sex life with a stick
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..