Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.