[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
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2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.