the icebreaker
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Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???