Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
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This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
look at me when i’m typing to you
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Nice try, NASA
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
What about a To-Don’t List?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Check your privilege
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker