I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
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me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Doctors texting each other.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Oh hi lol