“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.