Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.