CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
You Might Also Like
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.