Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
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I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Hank is one in a melon.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?