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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.