the prophecy has been fulfilled
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I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet