*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
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i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please