Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
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Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
OH. COME. ON.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy