I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Meow?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood