Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
🙄😏😂🤣
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd