Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.