My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Barbie gone wild
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn