My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
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Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right