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Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Still a very good boi….
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.