[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already