How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!