Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
oh shit
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Yep.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.