I love snow
– People who never shovel
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Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
i think my razor is having a panic attack