still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code