*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I put the mess in domestic.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”