Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
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31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors