It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
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[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Oh my God.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.