Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
#parenting
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know