*praying for world peace*
God:
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?